Zero Sum Equation
by elarielf
Summary: From cgkinkmemeii. PROMPT: After Zero Requiem, Suzaku struggles with a mental breakdown. He holds Zero close, and Lelouch even closer, confusing himself with them both. Flashbacks, M/M, explicit, identity crisis, delusions, accidental self-harm.


Zero walked into the palace with smooth, confident strides. He'd killed the Emperor of Britannia, publicly and with the approval of the crowd ringing in his ears. His plans were complete – the kinder, gentler world he'd promised Nunnally, and revenge for the death of (_his mother/Euphy/his father_) the death of…

His head hurt.

Nunnally had cried. That was unfortunate, although he'd always known that she wouldn't understand. That was why Zero existed, to do the things that Nunnally couldn't approve of, for her own good. That was why he had created him.

…that was why _Lelouch_ had created him. God, his head hurt. It was all confusing and blurry and… there was his room. Finally.

The cape came off first, but the mask followed soon after and Suzaku spent a long time just staring at the bloody fingerprints on the side. He should clean them, he supposed, before he went back out in public, but he couldn't quite bring himself to do that just yet. He took off his glove and trailed his bare fingers over the dried blood, watching it smear with the oil from his fingers, erasing the faint swirls and loops of Lelouch's fingerprints, and remembering…

"_Suzaku! Quit pestering me when I'm baking!"_

_Suzaku laughed and embraced Lelouch from behind, burying his face in the crook of Lelouch's neck and breathing in deeply enough to catch Lelouch's scent beneath the vanilla and hazelnut of his ingredients. "If you really didn't want me to bug you, you wouldn't be wearing an apron, you tease."_

_Lelouch huffed with irritation, but Suzaku imagined he was smiling. A little. "I didn't wear it for _you_, idiot. It has a purpose outside of sexual fetishes, you know." He squirmed in Suzaku's arms, __not trying to get away as much as__ trying to turn around to face __Suzaku__. Suzaku let him, his grin widening when he saw that he'd been completely correct – Lelouch _was_ smiling._

_It was a lovely smile, more than enough to distract Suzaku from Lelouch lifting a hand and placing it squarely in the middle of Suzaku's chest, pushing gently. "See?"_

_It took Suzaku a moment to understand. Then he noticed the large white handprint on the center of his shirt and caught Lelouch's amused eyes. "Wouldn't be a problem if you were wearing an apron. Or if you weren't _pestering_ me."_

_Suzaku paused, considering the situation as his fingers smeared the flour, obscuring Lelouch's elegant handprint. "Well, since the shirt's ruined anyway…"_

_Lelouch's indignant squawk was immediately contradicted by the way he moaned and melted against Suzaku as he pressed Lelouch against a non-flour-covered counter and kissed him until Lelouch griped his shoulders and pulled him in closer. But Lelouch was always like that – changeable, pliant, needy… at least about the things that didn't matter._

_The things that mattered, however…_

Suzaku hadn't wanted to kill him. Lelouch hadn't even listened, not really. Well, he'd listened and countered every argument Suzaku made with his usual cool logic and reason. But he hadn't _considered_ Suzaku's arguments as valid choices, just as something he needed to argue against. He'd made up his mind and there was no moving him. No matter how hard Suzaku had tried.

And now he was dead, and it was up to Suzaku to make the hard decisions, the ones that he'd hated Lelouch for making. And Nunnally… it was possible, even likely that Nunnally would be dragged into this too. Lelouch had planned for that, and Suzaku knew what to do if Nunnally was pressed into becoming Britannia's Empress, but it was still hard. So much harder than it had to be.

So much harder than it would have been if Lelouch were still here.

Suzaku sighed and picked up the black cape from the floor. Lelouch wasn't here. He'd killed him. But Zero was. That would have to be enough.

By the time The Demon Emperor's body was returned to the palace, rather more the worse for wear having been dragged through an angry mob, Zero was waiting for him.

"Place him in the Damocles. There's no better resting place for him than that devil's tool."

Cornelia looked at him, suspicious but approving. "Indeed. Let it be as Zero suggests." Zero watched the body being taken away and felt nothing more than the satisfaction of a plan well-executed.

Suzaku cried himself to sleep.

OoO-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-OoO

The weeks until Empress Nunnally's coronation were long. There were threats to deal with, anarchy in places that had been governed by Britannia and now had no governing body at all, and old feuds and arguments breaking out amongst the U.F.N. members. Somewhere in those weeks, C.C. disappeared and Zero didn't even notice. Then again, considering how little sleep he was getting, Zero barely noticed anyone outside of Nunnally and threats to Nunnally.

He'd caught glimpses, at times, of a strange face peering at him in his room. Just the faintest afterimage of brown hair, green eyes, a hard expression. He'd thought it an assassin at first, another Rolo, perhaps, using some kind of _geass_ to remain mostly unseen. Then Zero had found the small mirror on the inside of his closet and the face disappeared when he broke it. The mirror, not the face. For some reason, that distinction seemed important.

Zero hated mirrors. He wasn't sure why, but he did. He hadn't always, Rivalz used to mock him for the way he'd check his hair after they'd ridden on his bike, but he did now.

Not that it mattered. Zero was fully aware he had more than his share of idiosyncrasies. All part of the disguise, as much as the mask.

The coronation helped. He'd been against Nunnally's elevation to Empress, putting forth both Cornelia and Odysseus as more appropriate candidates. Both had deferred to Nunnally's request to try to make up for her brother's actions, and Zero had bowed to her will. Nunnally was growing up, and growing up well. It was his job to protect her and her ideals, and that was something he could do with her as Empress. He just worried about the toll it would take on her.

The moment the crown was on her head, however, things calmed down. Nunnally was known to many of the Black Knights, as the Viceroy who'd tried to increase the rights of the Japanese people, even after they snubbed her SAZ attempt. Kaguya, still one of the leading voices of the U.F.N. called her a 'sister' and promised her support, as long as Nunnally wanted peace and the betterment of all people. Her siblings supported her as well, while being careful not to appear to be using her as a figurehead. And Gino and Anya and a handful of non-Rounds knights came forward to pledge their loyalty, although Anya disappeared almost immediately after that, along with Jeremiah.

This peace gave Zero the chance to catch his breath. Before, he had slept four hours a night, often still in his outfit, occasionally still in his mask, and worked the remaining twenty hours straight, stopping at most once a day for food. Now he had a schedule that mirrored Empress Nunnally's, with only occasional extra duties for the U.F.N. He had almost ten hours a day to himself.

He spent most of that time thinking or exercising, still getting only about five or six hours of sleep a night because, when he did sleep, he had nightmares.

They weren't scary. They were sad. Nostalgic. He didn't even really know what they were about, only that they were sad. Things stood out in them; violet eyes, rose-coloured hair, the angular jut of a hip, paper cranes, a wavering sigh…

He would often wake up with damp cheeks and a hollow feeling. Occasionally, there would be a rather insistent erection accompanying those, which was disturbing in itself. Something was missing, something vital, and Zero had no idea what. As far as he could see, the world was advancing towards peace quite nicely, Nunnally was safe, and there was nothing else he should want. And yet, the dreams continued.

Something clicked, however, when he was summoned to Empress Nunnally's chambers after dinner one night. The Empress didn't even let him finish rising from his bow before speaking.

"Please, Zero. Remove your mask for me?"

Zero hesitated. Nunnally was his Empress, his _reason_, but this was something he knew he _mustn't_ do. "That is… I cannot, Your Majesty. Ask anything else of me, anything at all, and it will be done. But this one thing I cannot do."

"I know who you…" Nunnally trailed off, looking frustrated, "Please, I need to see your face." She leaned forward. "Suzaku-san…"

That name… Zero felt something within his mind slam down like an iron wall. "I am Zero, Your Majesty. Kururugi Suzaku is dead."

OoO-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-OoO

A few days after that disastrous conversation, which had left the Empress in tears and a heavy feeling of guilt in Zero's stomach, Zero realized that his performance was lacking. No wonder the Empress was concerned for him – he wasn't doing his job properly. He tried eating more than daily to compensate for the lack of sleep, but that didn't work. In the end, Zero realized that he had to face his nightmares.

He went to bed early that night and fell immediately asleep.

He dreamed he was fighting himself; a confusing series of images where he was held at gunpoint in the middle of a sandtrap by himself, pinning himself down on hard stone, even rescuing Nunnally from himself. It was all very confusing, until another image pushed all of those away. The image of dark hair on white sheets, thin lips, red and parted, the curve of a long neck, and violet eyes, looking up at him from under long lashes.

_I love you_.

Even before the sensation of thrusting into tight heat, the soft gasps and moans, the smell of sweat and arousal that naturally accompanied that image, there was that thought. It was oddly sad and calm, compared to the urgency of the ardour ripping through Suzaku as he dreamed himself moving faster, harder, deeper, until…

He woke up to sticky sheets and confusion, rather than tears. He supposed that was an improvement.

Zero wasn't a fool. He knew the face of the dead Emperor, had its last moments ingrained in his memory. It didn't take a genius to piece together the meaning of that dream – fighting against himself, for Britannia, fucking the Demon Emperor… Zero was having doubts, something he could never be allowed to have. He closed his eyes and focused, recalling what he was doing and, more importantly, why.

For Nunnally.

For Japan.

For a kinder, gentler world.

For Suzaku.

Zero frowned. That was the name the Empress had used. It was a frightening name, one that Zero didn't want to hear. And yet, when listing his motivations, that name came up, on the same level as Nunnally's.

Suzaku…

"_I love you, Suzaku."_

"_You can't mean that. Not after everything…"_

"_No, I really do. In fact, I probably mean it more now than ever before. Everything I've done, as Zero, as myself, has been for love. And maybe it's not the way you wanted to be loved, but…"_

"_Shut up."_

"_No. I'm sorry this is hurting you, but I need you to know. No matter what happens, you are loved. That means you have worth. And you may not want it coming from the man who fought against Britannia and took up your father's struggles, but tough. I love you. You don't get any say in that."_

"_You didn't have to tell me."_

"_I suppose I didn't. I'm very good at keeping secrets, even as Zero. But this isn't something I want to keep from you. Nor is it something I want you to hide from. No matter what happens, no matter what becomes of me, just know that I love you."_

Zero opened his eyes. Yes. That was it… love.

Sex dreams about the Demon Emperor aside, Zero's main driving force was love. And he'd loved Suzaku. Which meant that Zero, even now, loved Suzaku. That was where that had come from, in the dream. Those were Zero's feelings for Suzaku, his dearly departed lover. Zero smiled, comforted by that thought, holding the memory of his love protectively close, and fell back asleep.

He didn't dream of Suzaku that night, at least not that he remembered. Instead, he woke up feeling better-rested than he had in over a month, with faint memories of a soft smile and gentle eyes (not quite the same vivid purple of Emperor Lelouch), a small hand on his cheek and a female voice asking him why he felt like he didn't deserve to be happy.

It wasn't a bad night, all told, although the reminder that Zero hadn't been touched by another human being in… a long time, the exact length of which wasn't important, was a little disheartening.

But knowing that he could sleep without strange nightmares and sad visions and disturbing fantasies was comforting. Now he would be better able to serve Empress Nunnally, and she wouldn't have to worry about him any more. And that was better than all the human touches in the world to Zero.

OoO-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-OoO

About a month later, after the former Area 16 was given its independence and held its first elections, Zero walked into his private rooms to an unwelcome sight.

A mirror, full-length, standing beside his dresser, across from his bed.

He briefly debated between destroying it and ignoring it, leaning heavily towards the first option, when his phone rang.

There were five people with his number, the same people who could have arranged access to his room. The mystery of the appearing mirror was getting less mysterious.

Zero answered. "Yes?"

"I had your room redecorated somewhat. Do you like it?"

Zero sighed. The Empress had been somewhat more prodding of late, asking if he was well, if he wanted to talk, how he was feeling. Zero had been performing his duties to the expected level of excellence, so that wasn't what was bothering her, but he couldn't think of any other reason for her questions. Now, given this unwanted gift, he had the feeling that Empress Nunnally had her own set of ideas and priorities.

And it was his duty, his responsibility, and his desire, to make her happy.

"Yes, thank you, Your Majesty. I promise to use it."

She didn't sound like that was the answer she'd been looking for, but rather like she was willing to be patient. "Excellent. Good night, then, Zero."

"Good night, Your Majesty."

Zero hung up and frowned at the mirror. He recognized the image reflected back, the symbol of justice and hope, the enemy of tyrants and abusers. But he knew that if he took off his mask, he'd see something else. Something he hadn't seen in months. Some_one_ he hadn't seen.

He didn't want to. Something would break if he did, he just knew. But that seemed to be what the Empress wanted from him. Zero raised his hand to his mask, tracing over its smooth contours and watching his reflection do the same. It was perfect, graceful, dramatic, powerful. If he dispelled the illusion, even for himself, would it ever be this perfect again?

He couldn't risk it. He dropped his hand and removed his cape, draping it over the mirror before removing his mask with hands that faintly shook. This wasn't what Nunnally would have wanted, but that was why Zero existed, to do the things that Nunnally wouldn't have wanted, but for her own good. That was why he had created him.

…there was a flicker of uncertainty at that statement, and then it was gone. Zero stripped quickly and went to bed before he could be tempted into following his Empress's wishes and discovering things best kept hidden.

But the vision of his, Zero's, reflected image didn't leave Zero's mind, even as he drifted off into a sleep that was half memory.

"_You look amazing."_

_The leather of the gloves was worn and soft, moving easily as he made a fist. The silk rested softly against his skin, tight enough to look good and loose enough for easy mobility. The cape was a steady, comfortable weight on his shoulders, an extra weapon or distraction should he need it. And the mask… alien and cold and what truly made this… made _him_ Zero. Everything fit, tailored just for him. This was who he would be, from now on._

"_You put it on next." The words resonated differently with the mask on. It was eerie. "I want to see you in it."_

"_It's yours now."_

"_Please."_

_Time skipped forward, as it does it dreams, and then there were two Zeros – the reflection and the reality, both standing in front of him._

"_I want to suck your cock."_

_The surprised laugh sounded wrong, coming from Zero. "Really? Like this?"_

"_Like this."_

_He knelt down and undid Zero's pants. The lighting was too poor to see much, but he could tell that Zero was half-hard already. "See? You want it too."_

"_Just do it if you're going to. This is embarrassing."_

_The taste, the texture, the scent… they were all familiar. But the feel of a gloved hand in his hair, the way the cape draped against his shoulder, the echoes from within the mask of every gasp and moan… that was different. And he wanted more of that, more of the difference, because if it wasn't different that meant that Zero and Lelouch really were the same and…_

Zero bolted upright in bed, painfully hard and gasping for air, and wanting something so _badly_ that it hurt. It hurt so much.

Across the room, in the faint light, the mirror seemed to wink at him from under the cape.

OoO-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-OoO

"Did you sleep well, Zero?"

"_I love you."  
>"You put it on next."<br>"I want to suck your cock."  
>"Just do it."<em>

"Yes, Your Majesty."

_Lean fingers digging into his shoulders.  
>Tight heat around him, thighs clenched around his hips.<br>Hot breath, a laugh, a kiss._

"You seem distracted."

"_Mmm… Suzaku… more…"  
>"Lelouch, you're so…"<br>"Ah! There, Suzaku, right there!"  
>"Lelouch."<em>

"My apologies, Your Majesty."

_A gentle touch against his cheek.  
>Soft lips pressed against his upper arm.<br>The heat of another body beside his. Always beside him._

"Is it the mirror?"

Zero hadn't looked at the mirror that morning, dressing with it still covered and putting his cape on with his back to it. That hadn't stopped those images, too vague to be called true memories, from intruding into his thoughts. Zero hated mirrors, and that was allowed, that was just a character trait, but to fear them…

Impossible. Zero couldn't have that sort of weakness.

The problem was that Zero hadn't thought about this sort of thing in months. His memory from before the assassination of Emperor Lelouch was unclear, hazy. At times, Zero wasn't even sure what were his memories and what were memories formed from watching news reels and documentaries. There were only a few things Zero was certain of.

Lelouch vi Britannia had been Zero.

Kururugi Suzaku had been Zero.

Lelouch vi Britannia was dead.

Kururugi Suzaku had was dead.

Zero was not.

Therefore, working backwards, Zero had figured out that he was either Suzaku or Lelouch. He knew them both, well enough to be either of them. When he dreamed of them, it was a confusing mess of heat and arousal and release, two bodies melded together so closely that he couldn't tell where one began and the other ended. But he knew them, enough to work from there.

Suzaku was strong. Zero was strong, and fast too, moving to protect the Empress faster than any of her guards, getting her under cover and chasing down the assassin without even breaking a sweat. Lelouch could barely manage a full lap around a school track. So Zero was Suzaku?

Lelouch was clever. Zero was clever, clever and manipulative, enough that he'd actually been able to talk down the U.F.N. from invading Area 6 after it refused to separate from Britannia despite a vocal minority who wanted sovereignty. Suzaku couldn't convince a starving man to eat. So Zero was Lelouch?

There was only one way to find out. After his duties were completed, Zero sat down in front of his mirror and, before he could think better of it, tore off his mask.

Green eyes with dark bags.

Thin features, almost overly sharp cheek bones.

Brown hair flattened against his head, in need of a haircut.

Pale skin, as pale as Nunnally's.

"Which one… who am I?"

His reflection smiled. "Does it matter? You're beautiful."

"It matters… doesn't it?"

"Not really. I mean, if you think about it, Zero cannot exist without Lelouch vi Britannia, nor without Kururugi Suzaku. So you actually need both."

"Ah." Zero smiled. "That makes sense." He reached out and touched the cool flat surface of the mirror. "That's where you went."

His reflection's smile gentled at that. "Of course. I would never leave you." Zero felt his stomach tighten. "Yes… that's right. I miss you too, your touch, your body… Strip for me?"

Zero did, revealing well-defined corded muscles and prominent hip and collar bones. Even his body looked like a melding of his memories of Lelouch and Suzaku. He stood in front of the mirror and leaned against his dresser as he wrapped his hand around his cock, staring into heavily lidded eyes as he worked himself. "Hnn, I… god, this feels…"

"You're so beautiful. So lovely." His reflection licked his lips hungrily. "I want to taste you again, your skin, your sweat, your–" Zero cried out, cutting his reflection off as he came, thick white spurts that streaked the perfection of the reflective surface in front of him, over and over, the first orgasm in months that felt like a release rather than a betrayal. He fell to his knees, breathing hard and bracing himself as he leaned forward.

"_Yes_…" The salty, bitter taste brought back so many memories, somewhat marred by the cool, almost metallic aftertaste of the mirror. Zero licked up every drop and then collapsed into an exhausted sleep.

OoO-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-OoO

He woke up shivering and blurry-eyed a few hours later. It was dark, so it was later, but Zero had no idea how late. That didn't matter, however, and neither did his physical discomfort from lying naked on the floor for however long he'd been there. The only thing that mattered was that he woke next to a familiar face, only dimly lit from the moonlight from the window, but so very, very welcome.

"Hey." Zero reached for him, still more than half asleep, and nearly jumped in surprise at the hard glass his hand bumped into. Zero pulled himself up, staring at the barrier that separated him from what he wanted and, before he'd even had time to think anything over, slammed his fist through it.

The pain was nothing compared to the realization that it had all been an illusion. The tinkling sound of shattered glass, and the louder crashes of the mirror's frame seemed to be laughing at Zero, at his pain, at his loss. He pulled his fist back again, furious, when a small voice in the back of his mind told him to stop being such a hothead.

Heh. Right. "Sorry." Of course there was nothing to be angry about. It was all just a misunderstanding. He was Zero, both Lelouch and Suzaku, and he didn't need a mirror for that.

"Zero! Are you alright?"

Zero could feel the blood dripping down his arm. He nearly snorted with amusement – this was the first injury he'd sustained since Nunnally's coronation, despite the repeated assassination attempts on both her and himself. "I'm fine."

"Is the mirror broken?" Empress Nunnally's soft voice asked through the closed door. She sounded warm and understanding and Zero felt a surge of love for her.

He cradled his hand and took a few ginger steps back from the shards of glass surrounding him. "Unfortunately so, Your Majesty."

"I see. Would you come to my rooms in the morning, before your duties start?"

"Of course." That left plenty of time for Zero to clean and bandage his wound. "Sleep well, Your Majesty."

"And you, Zero."

It wasn't nearly as late as Zero had thought, barely past his usual bedtime, and the glass was easy enough to remove as long as he didn't think about it. He'd been hurt far worse before.

He kept the cut and abrasions open, hoping they would scab over enough that he'd be able to wear his gloves in the morning. As he crawled into bed, shooting a final, rueful glance at the smashed mirror, he propped his wounded hand up on a pillow, curling up with the other one and closing his eyes, already wrapping himself up in the inevitable memories of hot skin and wet kisses and desperate voices calling out each other's names.

A half hour before he typically started his day, Zero knocked on the Empress's door.

"Come in."

She was dressed and waiting for him, looking every inch his beloved Nunnally. "Your Majesty." He bowed.

"Zero. I asked you before, but I don't think you were ready. Are you ready now?" Nunnally asked hopefully. "Will you remove your mask for me?"

Zero reached up and took off his mask, smiling as he finally saw her without the dim discolouration of the mask between them.

"Suzaku-san…" Nunnally's eyes widened with surprise. "What happened?"

She saw Suzaku in him. Zero didn't mind that, although there was a small hurt at her choice. "I did tell you, Your Majesty, I am Zero." But he couldn't help himself from leaning forward, brushing her hair behind her ears with a practiced gentle gesture and kissing her forehead.

Nunnally gave a small whimper. "That's… Lelouch used to…"

Zero pulled back, allowing Lelouch's gentle smile to grace his face. She was beginning to understand. "I am Zero, Nunnally. Suzaku and Lelouch are both Zero. Therefore…"

"No." Nunnally had always been quick and intuitive. "No, Suzaku, that's not… Lelouch is _dead_."

"So is Suzaku."

"No!" Nunnally practically lifted herself out of her chair in her anxiety. "Your death was faked, so that you could take the mantle of Zero from my brother you're not… you're not him!"

Zero shook his head. "Nunnally. I told you." He replaced the mask and bowed to her once again. "I am Zero."

OoO-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-OoO

C.C. returned less than a week later. Even immortal witches weren't beyond the reach of the resources of an Empire.

"So. You finally snapped."

They were alone, in Zero's rooms (with the replaced mirror, plus another in the adjoining bathroom), so Zero removed his mask. He'd never had to wear it with C.C. alone. "Snapped?"

"Gone crazy. Delusional. Mad."

Zero laughed. "Seriously? Like I wasn't before?"

C.C. paused at that. "Point. But this is rather worse. At least then you had an identity."

"I have an identity now. I am Zero."

"Nunnally was under the impression you thought you were Lelouch."

"That too."

"…you're not, you know. Starving yourself to imitate his bone structure isn't quite enough."

Zero smiled. "Not that I don't trust you, C.C., but… I'm not entirely sure how to finish that sentence."

That surprised a laugh out of C.C. "You imitate him well. I'll give you that."

"After what happened with my… with Marianne, how can you say that it's impossible that I'm Lelouch?"

"Because Lelouch's _geass_ didn't work that way. Even if it could, he'd already used it on you."

"Ah." Zero nodded as if C.C. had fallen into his trap. "So you think I'm Suzaku."

"…yes."

"But he's dead as well. He even has a grave. I visited it."

C.C. snorted. "You can't have completely forgotten the plan for Zero Requiem. Or the weeks you spent recuperating after your Knightmare exploded."

"_Suzaku, you're going to be a hero now. You will no longer live your life as Kururugi Suzaku, but you will live on, as Zero."_

"_You're going through with this? No matter what?"_

"_Aim here."_

Zero found that, indeed, he remembered that quite vividly. "Not at all. Zero Requiem required something that Kururugi Suzaku could never do. So Zero did it instead."

"That's a lovely fiction, but Zero _is_ Kururugi Suzaku."

"I never denied that." Zero felt like they were arguing in circles. "Zero is Suzaku, Zero is Lelouch, and they are Zero. I don't understand why this is so complicated."

C.C. looked at him for a long moment, almost long and intensely enough to be considered staring. Then she stood up. "Fine. It hardly matters to me how you choose to deal with your actions, as long as you're not a risk to Nunnally."

"I would _never_ hurt her."

"I know." C.C. smiled. "And that, as my own way of dealing with my guilt, as all that matters to me now." She hesitated at the door before leaving. "I miss him too, you know. But wallowing in denial isn't the best way to honour his memory. That isn't what he wanted from you."

Zero smiled in return, gratified at this uncharacteristic concern from C.C. "I assure you, C.C., I'm not wallowing in anything. It's all very clear to me now, and it's how I feel I can best serve the Empress."

C.C. just shook her head. "If you say so."

The moment after she left, Zero turned to his reflection. "Well?"

"She does bring up a point. Clearly claiming to be Lelouch, to any degree, is unnerving to those we love. Maybe we should stop."

Zero nodded. "And also referring to ourselves in the plural. We… I've slipped in public occasionally. Usually over issues we've discussed in private."

"Good call." Zero removed his gloves, allowing his fingers to trail over his lips. "Hey, have you noticed?"

"Noticed what?" Zero nipped at his fingertips, playfully.

"This is a lot like at Ashford. Hiding our relationship from others, meeting in secret, only now…" Zero's other hand ghosted against the front of his pants. "Only now I can share _everything_ with you."

Zero laughed. "C.C. _just_ left, you nymphomaniac."

"Don't complain. You want it too." The slow unzip of Zero's pants very nearly had Zero bucking into the teasing touch. "Actually, complain all you want. I like it when you're in denial."

"C.C. doesn't – _ahh_! Hah… hnn…"

"C.C.'s not here."

Zero laughed breathlessly. "God, I hope not." He lay down on the bed, propped up against pillows that had been pre-placed to give him an excellent view of his reflection in the mirror. "Now. Are you going to taunt me all day, or are you going to do something?"

The hand around his cock tightened and sped up and Zero arched against the bed, one hand over his mouth to muffle his cries as he looked gazes with his lover as they raced towards completion.

OoO-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-OoO

Zero had no idea what C.C. told Nunnally. In any case, the following day, the Empress watched him with haunted eyes and a deep concern, far deeper even than before. She asked him to speak with doctors, but by that point Zero had decided not to share The Truth with anyone else. He knew it, Nunnally knew it (although she hid from it), and C.C. knew it. No one else mattered.

He passed psych evaluation after psych evaluation, drawing on Suzaku's experience in taking these tests (first after his father's death, as an orphan, then to join the military, then when Euphemia knighted him) to give the appropriate (if not 'correct') answers. He returned to his regular duties, although he did find that Nunnally was keeping him away from diplomatic envoys and negotiations. Either that or they were just fewer and farther between as the world settled into its new, better, state.

Zero found that he too was settling in, gradually. His days were filled with duties he would have died for (and, in a way, had. Twice.) and his nights were filled with pleasure that required only a bit of creativity to maximize, until he was driven out of his mind, sweaty and panting on his bed, completely spent. He'd ordered two more mirrors, one that he fitted above his bed and the other just over his headboard so he could watch while on his knees. He'd stopped muffling his voice and occasionally had to reassure guards that everything was fine, he'd gotten so loud.

Everything was perfect.

But things changed. That was fine, that was what they… he… had fought for. But the pattern of change made him uneasy.

Nunnally reinstated the Knights of the Round, soon moving around with at least three of them at all times. The U.F.N. and the Black Knights no longer invited Zero as a non-contributing observer. Cornelia took over the Britannian army, which was now mostly used in rescue missions and humanitarian aid, and most of the Areas were either liberated or more than happy to remain Britannian. The world was, indeed, becoming a kinder, gentler place. But it had no use for Zero.

"Hey, I did anticipate this from the start."

"Really?" Zero had just sat down in his room to eat, but it looked like this conversation had been waiting for a quiet moment. "If that's so, then why…"

"Because Zero was not only useful, but necessary. At first. Granted, this is sooner than I expected, but I did anticipate a world where Zero, Lelouch, Suzaku… were none of us would be needed."

Zero sighed and his reflection shrugged ruefully. "So now what?"

"Well, we have… there are a few choices. Wait until Empress Nunnally dismisses Zero, leave before that can happen, start a new rebellion–"

"Vetoed."

"_Fine_." A soft smile. "It doesn't matter. As long as we're together…"

"…we can do anything. But what if there's nothing that needs to be done?"

Zero looked away from his reflection, knowing that they both knew what needed to be said.

"We make her nervous."

"I'd even go so far as to say she's frightened of us."

"It doesn't help when we hold her hand like Suzaku used to and stroke her hair like Lelouch did."

"She can't grieve properly with us here."

"We're doing more harm than good."

"We need to leave."

Zero sighed. "I don't want to."

"I don't either. Well. Obviously."

That, at least, made Zero laugh. "It would be for the best."

"And we're all about sacrificing our own interests for the greater good."

"Mmm… I love you."

"I love you too."

The next day Zero didn't arrive for work, for the first time after Emperor Lelouch's assassination. Witnesses did note a man leaving the palace, but descriptions varied between witnesses. Some claimed he was tall and thin, others that he looked lithe and strong. Some thought he was Caucasian, others Asian. His hair was described as 'dark', without anyone able to agree if it was brown or black.

And no one, not even those who stopped him and talked to him, could remember anything about his eyes, other than the fact that they left an impression of red behind.


End file.
